I have probably mentioned this before, but I am unashamedly a child of the 80s. Born in the mid-70s, 80s pop defined my childhood, while 90s and early 2000s pop music defined teens and young adulthood. It’s little wonder, then, that I gravitate toward the local radio station in my town that plays music from those eras. In fact, that’s the only radio station I have preset in my car.
Photo courtesy Kia Media.
The other day, as I congratulated myself on being able to make it through a crowded store to pick up my depression and anxiety prescriptions and a few groceries without feeling like I was going to stop breathing, I turned on my car to head toward home. This, of course, automatically turned on the radio, and I was greeted with the Hoobastank song, “The Reason.” I was familiar with the song, so I started singing along to the lyrics:
I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so, I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I’ve found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you[i]
On the surface, the narrator is obviously singing to someone they’ve hurt in the past, that they’ve realized the depths to which they hurt that person, and that the person they hurt is why they are going to change themselves. As I drove out of the store parking lot and the song wound down, the song hit me in a completely different way, and I realized that the person that the narrator is singing to could just as well be themselves.
This especially struck me in the light of my mental health disorder diagnosis. Because I had gone untreated for so long (I’m now on medications and still working up the courage to find a therapist), I had hurt myself in so many ways. I shut myself off from others, building a wall that few were allowed to come through, and that access was extremely limited. If I’m honest with myself, I barely even let my family in, who I love dearly and am close to. As a result of extreme introvertedness, what I considered a betrayal by my best friend in middle school, bullying by classmates during the same time, and a struggle with my weight that I fight to this day, I began to self-harm. I wasn’t brave enough to be a cutter, so my self-harm took the form of irritating sores on my skin until I ended up with a wound, which I would then irritate further by picking the scabs so they wouldn’t heal and when they did, they left noticeable scars. This, unfortunately, became a habit, which I also still fight to this day.
So, as I reflected on the lyrics of this song, I imagined singing it to myself in the mirror. Singing it as an apology to the 13-year-old girl who desperately tried to hide the scars on her skin, even as she created new ones. Singing it as an apology to the high school girl who closed herself off from family and classmates, still trying to hide the visible scars on her skin. Singing it as an apology to the young woman who knew that she had a weight problem but continued to bombard her body with unhealthy foods and habits. Singing it as an apology to the woman who has used the self-harm and the weight and the introvertedness as not armor against a battle being fought, but an impenetrable fortress.
The last nine months have been months of significant change. In January, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. Having watched family members fight the disease and end up on insulin, I became determined not to end up on insulin. I cut back my carbs and my food portions, nipped the carb-heavy junk food eating in the bud, and kept to the prescription regimen prescribed by my doctor. The result is that I have dropped about 65 pounds since the beginning of December 2022 and purged my dresser and closet of my plus-size clothing (still working on the exercise portion of things).
Left: November 2021, Right: August 2023
When I suffered a series of panic attacks in July of this year, I decided it was finally time to address my mental health. In addition to taking medications, I’ve reflected a lot on my mental state over the years, recognizing the signs that were present in the past but never addressed. Recognizing the harm that I have caused myself over the years because of being undiagnosed and untreated. And wishing, above all else, that I could turn back the clock and talk to that scared, shy, virtually friendless 13-year-old girl, to apologize for what I’ve done to her.
This year has been, and continues to be, a year of change. And I had to have a reason to change, to change the person I used to be, the person who hurt myself for all those years.
And that reason had to be me. That reason is me.
[i] Songwriters: Chris Hesse / Daniel Estrin / Douglas Robb / Markku Lappalainen, The Reason lyrics © Wb Music Corp., Spread Your Cheeks And Push Out The Music